Itch That Scratch
by AfricanChieftess
Summary: I got this idea from an episode of The Big C. I don't know how many of you watch the show, but Adam had sex with a hooker on his parents' bed, and then the whole family got crabs. So. . . .what if two of the Tree Hill High teens had a romp in Naley's bed, and then Naley got crabs? They get dramatic, that's what. One-shot!


**Disclaimer:**** all creative rights to the One Tree Hill characters belong to**** their original creator(s).**

**Strong language included! I thought it only fair that a meltdown about an STD includes potty language.**

**I've wanted to do a fic where there's only dialogue, no descriptions. I hope it flows well and I don't lose you!  
**

* * *

"Nathan."

"Yeah."

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Honey, you've been rubbing at your junk for two minutes."

"No, I haven't."

"Really? Are we going to do this?"

"Okay. I seriously don't know what is going on, but I…I can't stop scratching."

"Down there?"

"Yes. And it hurts like a bitch, Hales!"

"You, too? Why didn't you tell me!?"

"I didn't– Wait. What do you mean 'you, too'?"

"It started last night."

"Me, too. Are we using a new laundry detergent or something?"

"No. I haven't changed anything. I've been dying to get out of these jeans for the last hour! I feel like I've dug a hole into my skin with all this scratching."

"You want me to take a look?"

"Please. Are you itching elsewhere?"

"No."

"Nathan? What if…what if it's an STD?"

"I'm not cheating on you!"

"I'm not cheating on you!"

"Okay, let me just have a look and then– HOLY SHIT!"

"WHAT!? GET IT OUT!"

"I can't! They're moving, Haley!"

"'THEY'!? Oh my God…I'm going to pass out! What are you doing?"

"Have a look at mine. Do I have them, too?"

"They're crawling, Nathan! Oh, God! How the hell did this happen!?"

"I don't know! Maybe one of the guys pulled a prank on me in the locker room."

"With crawling things on our genitals!? That's taking a prank too far."

"So how did this happen? Have you swapped or borrowed clothes with someone?"

"No."

"Maybe it's bedbugs."

"Only in your crotch?"

"What? What's that look?"

"Bed. Bed! It started when I was in bed."

"So these crawling things are only in our bed?"

"Didn't you say that you found Brooke and Felix looking guilty of doing something after you went to get the mail? And they were in the hallway like they'd just come out of our bedroom?"

"Oh my God, I am going to kill them."

"I sure as hell didn't bring this, and neither did you, so it must be one of them."

"Jesus, this is great. This is just great!"

* * *

"Okay, you two need to stop pacing."

"I'm thinking, Brooke."

"Why are we here? And why haven't you offered us food or drinks? You are such terrible hosts."

"Stuff it, Felix."

"What crawled up your butts?"

"Crabs."

"Oh, shit."

"'Oh, shit' is right, Brooke. You and your buddy here had sex in our bed, and one of you has crabs. Or both of you. Oh, so now you know how to be quiet, do you?"

"Felix! Felix has them! He gave them to me!"

"Liar! You have them!"

"How nice of you to give them to us, too. And for giving us a heads-up."

"I didn't think we left them on your linens, Nate! And when I found out that it could happen, I just…I panicked!"

"You know the worst thing about all this? I have not had sex with my wife in days!"

"Nathan!"

"What? I'm sexually frustrated, Hales, and these two are to blame."

"My husband's outburst aside, the worst of it is that we got an STD without actually having sex. See where I'm going with this? We contracted a venereal disease WITHOUT ACTUALLY PUTTING IN THE WORK FOR IT!"

"You're scaring me, Haley."

"You should be scared, Brookie. Nathan could be turning impotent right now. He may never give me that son we eventually want to have."

"What?"

"No, but I'm just making a point. You had sex in our bed and left us with an itchy parting gift. Now we have to disinfect everything we own!"

"I swear I didn't know! It's all Felix!"

"I don't know where you've been since we started hooking up!"

"I am going to kill you."

"Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. You can kill each other later. The problem at hand right now is how in the hell YOU COULD NOT SAY A WORD ABOUT GIVING US CRABS!"

"Christ. Keep your voice down, will you?"

"Hey. Her eyes are right here, dummy, not on her chest."

"Thanks, baby. You two nymphos are on my hit list right now."

"What, you're going to ground us?"

"Are you trying to be funny right now, Taggaro? I know your mom wouldn't be thrilled about that stunt you pulled on dare night. In church, no less. And if I also told her that you have lice in your nethers, I doubt she'd throw a party."

"You wouldn't."

"Want me to prove it? You two are banned from this apartment until further notice. And you are to keep your mouths shut about this. We don't tell on you and you don't tell on us. Do not breathe a word to anyone, even your little Chihuahua. Got it, Brooke?"

"Yes."

"Unless Peyton and Lucas also decided to use our bed, this stays between the four of us. I hear any nasty rumour about Nathan or me, I will find you, and I will hurt you. Badly. Got it?"

"Yes."

"Got it. Christ, dude, your wife is scary."

"She's incredible."

"Not so fast, Felix."

"What now?"

"We're going to need cash for the medication. Don't look at me like that. It's your fault we're all in this mess and it's only fair that you foot the bill."

"Why is everyone assuming it's me!?"

"I saw your car rocking while you and Loose Legs Lucy were in it."

"Loose Legs Lucy? Really, Felix!? I am done with you!"

"Brooke! Wait! It's not what you think! She was just teaching me the laws of physics!"

"God, baby, seeing you chew them out really turned me on."

"I know. You can blame them for not getting laid right now."

"I do. So much."

"Come 'ere. I'm sure we can keep things waist up?"

"I'll try."

* * *

"We agreed that you would go."

"We didn't. You just assumed that I would."

"Come on, Hales. There is no way that I can walk up there and ask for an over-the-counter recommendation on how to treat crabs."

"And I can?"

"Yes. You're cute and innocent-looking. They'll think someone is putting you up to it. As for me, they'll just give me a look of disgust like it was bound to happen eventually."

"I cannot believe you're pigeonholing me like that right now."

"Baby, please. I'm going to be in the NBA in a few years. How would you feel reading articles with allegations that your famous husband had an STD? While married, no less? It will ruin my reputation, I'll probably only get endorsements from pharmaceutical companies asking me to advocate for drugs to cure STDs, we'll be living off money made from the sales of STD medication, you'll be so embarrassed about everyone thinking that I cheated on you that you will probably start doping up on said medication."

"You are so dramatic. We're two towns over, Nathan! I doubt everybody in North Carolina knows the great Nathan Scott."

"There you go. I'm aiming for greater, and I can't do that by piling skeletons like these in my closet. Take one for the team, Hales."

"I don't want to."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Mmm…no…we can't make out in the middle of a supermarket, Nathan."

"Say yes and I'll stop."

"Fine, but you owe me. You're lucky I'm as sexually frustrated as you are and I want this to be over, or else we'd have to resort to bribing someone to do this."

"Come here."

"Okay, okay…No more kisses. You're making me want to scratch."

"One more. Okay, so here's what we'll do. Remove your wedding ring and go up to him. While you ask for the medication, I'll come up and ask for a box of condoms."

"What?"

"I'm selling the bit, Hales. It has to be convincing. I'll play the part of the charming guy who shakes his head sadly at the random girl with crabs."

"You do that and I swear you will not get laid for a month."

"But–"

"Two months."

"So I'm just going to wait for you in the car."

"That's a really good idea."

* * *

"This shit stings, Haley! Holy fuck, I am going to kill Felix!"

"I'm almost done, babe."

"Are you sure that timer is on for four minutes? It feels like four hours."

"Yes. I'm just doing one more comb-through to be sure."

"I never saw anything like this coming. Combing my pubes for lice. Jesus."

"Technically, I'm the one combing them."

"Does this make you love me any less?"

"Just a pinch."

"What about when I do this? Huh?"

"Nathan, stop! Your dancing will probably fling some of them in my face."

"There's that laugh I love so much."

"And I still love you even when you've been whining like a toddler."

"I just don't have the mental capacity to handle things like this. What next? Hep A? The clap?"

"Gross. Okay, I think you're good. Go rinse off and then do me."

"If this was any other day, I would already be doing-doing you."

"You _vant_ to do sex _vith_ me?"

"I _vant_ to do sex _vith_ you. You are such a dork."

"You like my dorky jokes, stud."

"Strangely enough. You know what we're going to do after this?"

"Disinfect everything?"

"After that. We are going to take back any spare keys we have given to anybody. I don't care who they are, but no one is ever going to get into this apartment without us around."

"And then we're locking ourselves up in this apartment for the rest of spring break."

"Hell, yes, we are. I feel germ-free already. Don't I look it even?"

"I'm too distracted by your abs. Oh, wow, babe. I think they're all gone."

"High Scott five, Mrs. Scott! Yeah! Okay, let's do you. Ready?"

"Yeah. Holy crap! That's cold!"

* * *

"Well, well. Look who showed up to a social event before the break is over!"

"Hi to you, too, Peyt."

"Hi, Hales. You guys have been MIA for days. What's up with that? Aren't you past the newlyweds sex phase?"

"We were doing some…spring cleaning."

"A domesticated Nathan. Nice job, Mrs. Scott."

"It was…rough and hard, but there were moments where it was…slow and sensual."

"Why do I get the feeling that you're not talking about household chores?"

"Because I'm not."

"Your wife is talking about your sex life in public. Nice job, Nate."

"Ha, ha. Where's everyone?"

"By the bonfire. We're just about to play a game. Come on."

"Who threw this party?"

"Tim, believe it or not. He can actually plan something without screwing it up."

"Maybe he found his calling as a party planner."

"That's your friend, honey."

"And I'm not making fun of him. I'm actually serious. See this face? This is my serious face."

"No, it's not. The corners of your lips are twitching. That's your sarcastic face. Hey, guys!"

"It's the married couple, everyone!"

"Hi, Brooke."

"Oh my God. I'm so so sorry, you guys! Give me a hug. I'm so so sorry, you hear me? So so sorry. I've dumped that cootie carrier's ass, so you can lift the ban on your apartment."

"Choking over here, Brooke."

"Sorry. I'm just so so so–"

"What is she apologizing so profusely for?"

"She used my scarf to mop grape juice off the floor."

"Jeez."

"It was a very expensive scarf, Peyton. High thread count. Egyptian cotton."

"Whatever. So are we playing or what?"

"Beer pong?"

"Nope. A good ol' game of 'I Never'!"

"What the hell? After this past week, I want to snigger at people's dirty secrets."

"Alright! Grab your drinks, party people!"

"Holla, bro! C'est moi! C'est moi! This party kicks ass or what?"

"It's great, Tim. Since when do you speak French?"

"I've been chatting with a French-Canadian girl up north. She's smoking. I mean, you should see her tatas. They're mass– Hey, Mrs. S!"

"Hey, Tim."

"Don't worry. No chick's tatas hold a candle to your tatas."

"The fuck, Tim? That's my wife you're talking about."

"Mockery is the sincerest form of flattery, man."

"What?"

"Some famous guy said it. You want to start us off, Mrs. Nathan?"

"Um, I'll just wait. Why don't you–"

"Okay! I never…I never had an STD!"

"Shit."

"What the…"

* * *

**Send me your feedback! I much appreciate it!**


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